I opened my mouth this past week to someone I know. He’s in his late 50s and owns his own business. I see him about every three weeks or so and we’ve known each other for about 10 years.
He’s a sick man; having a kidney removed next month.
He started losing weight when his girl friend of twenty years left him for another man. That was about 8 months ago. Mind you, my friend is very thin and didn’t need to lose weight. He was almost skinny then and now he’s very skinny. The break-up emotionally drained him and he’s still lamenting about it although not every word.
A few months ago his older brother died – cancer. Then the news about the kidney. For a while he was drinking Ensure to get some nourishment because he virtually stopped eating.
I told him he needed to heal his mind first if he wanted to recover well following his surgery. We know our minds and bodies are connected. Just look at how miserable you feel when you have a common cold. Or how depressed you feel when you’ve injured yourself and you can’t exercise or run or play tennis.
My friend’s mind/body connection is excessive. His body simply shuts down when he gets upset. I asked him if this had happened to him before and he replied yes: when his wife divorced him 30 years ago and left him with two small children. How long was it before he could eat a complete meal after the divorce? Two years, he replied.
Well my friend doesn’t have 2 years. He’s 30 years older since the divorce and he’s having a kidney removed in 6 weeks. I told him he needed to seek help to heal his mind so that every part of him could work on his recovery following the surgery.
I hadn’t planned to speak to him, to be so direct. It just happened.
He did listen and even remarked I made sense. The strange thing is I don’t think he’ll move forward and make a phone call. I’m concerned.
The surgery alone is enough to cause concern, but in my friend’s mental state – I’m very worried. I bet he sometimes blames his ex girlfriend for all his woes.
If you have any ideas about what I could say to this guy that would motivate him to seek help, please let me know. Scroll down to ‘Comments’ and write your ideas in the blank square.
Much appreciation.
To your successful aging
Ruthan Brodsky
Business and Patient Education Writer for Health Care Professionals
2 comments
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Jeanne May says:
at (UTC -5)
Hi Ruthan…
The difficulty faced by your friend is not uncommon. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed with what is happening in their life… your friend not only has major surgery on his mind, and the ensuing health problems associated with renal disease, but he also has recently lost an important part of his life. He’s grieving for many losses in his life.
I know as a friend it can be difficult “watching” the helplessness… knowing what to do and what would be helpful. Having worked in the area for a number of years, I would suggest just constant support for him for where he is in his life right now. He sounds very wounded and vulnerable… and won’t seek the necessary help until he is ready. Hang in there with support… and hugs.
Hope all goes well.
Jeanne
Ruthan Brodsky says:
at (UTC -5)
Excellent advice Jeanne.
Thanks. Ruthan